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Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Post the Forty-third (in which our heroine reflects on some of life's little truisms)

There are certain universal truths out there.  Gravity, for one.  The passing of time.  The theory of relativity, that sort of thing.  Things which govern all of our lives and which everyone learns about in school.  There are, however, other, lesser-known truths which no-one ever warns you about in advance, but which are none the less true for all that.  Someone should teach them in a class.  You know, kind of like Moe's "Funk Dancing for Self Defence".

One or two of these I've been emailed as jokes over the years, most of them are things I've discovered for myself.  All of them prove one thing - if there is a God/Goddess/Omnipresence out there, he/she/it has a very wry sense of humour.

1. The juice of any lemon squeezed by hand will make an immediate and direct trajectory towards your eye.

2. You will remember something important you've left at home at the exact point in your journey where it's too late to make turning back worth it.

3. You will realise only after jumping in that the hot water ran out halfway through filling the bath.

4. The one time you go to the pub in saggy tracksuit bottoms and no make-up will be the one time every good-looking person in the vicinity decides to go there for a drink.

5. "Peel & reseal" deli packets do neither of these things.

6. You will like pretty much all the songs on your iPod until it's on shuffle, at which point you will discover that you like approximately 1 song in 30.

7. You will wave back at someone who wasn't actually waving at you in the first place at least seven times in your lifetime.

8. On entering an empty lift in which there is a bad smell not of your making, you can guarantee that someone will get on at the next floor and think it was you.

9. That person will tell everyone in the office what a smell-hound you are.

10. U.S Immigration officials will always succeed in making you feel like you're lying, even when you're telling the truth.

11. There is no dignified way to eat a banana.

12. You are officially old the day you no longer find farts funny.

13. A toasted cheese sandwich is infinitely superior to cheese on toast.

15. Lego is a bastard to stand on in your bare feet.

16. There are few things more awkward than somehow managing to get into the same section of a small revolving door with a complete stranger.

17. The washing machine will eat a significant proportion of your socks.

18.  The greater your aversion to children, the more people will insist their offspring kiss you, and the snottier said offspring will be.

19. Mimes can smell fear.

20. Falling up the stairs is worse than falling down it.

Recipes are back tomorrow.  Til then, suckahs.

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